


well-being, recovery, and other interesting yogic processes

by gothzabini (girl412)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Recovery, Yoga, mental health, vaguely implied jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-05 14:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16369190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl412/pseuds/gothzabini
Summary: Remus Lupin is recommended yoga classes by his doctor. Enter Sirius Black, yoga instructor.





	well-being, recovery, and other interesting yogic processes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Alex for the beta & for saving the world from my run on sentences and comma overuse. Thank you to the mods for organizing this & making it happen.

Everything about being here feels terrifying. It’s not an intense kind of fear, but the feeling of being in a different neighbourhood, especially a well-off one, unsettles Remus. It’s odd to be here, on this doorstep, with these hands that shake a little more than they used to, and this perpetual ache in his back. He steels his nerves and knocks on the door, staring at the plaque that announces that he _is_ in the right place. This is the yoga practice and therapy centre that his doctor recommended – the crumpled diagnosis in his rucksack is suddenly a significant testimonial to his presence. 

The door opens and a young man peers out in a way that simultaneously seems both cautious and reckless. He seems to be in his early twenties, which would make him around Remus’s age. He’s got dark hair in a messy topknot and he’s wearing a Scorpions T-shirt that hangs off his wiry frame. If not for the yoga pants, Remus would’ve suspected that he somehow managed to end up in the wrong place. 

“You must be here to see James,” the man rushes out, seemingly flustered, although Remus isn’t sure why. “I mean... good morning, nice to meet you. I’m Sirius.” 

“I didn’t doubt the sincerity of that statement,” Remus says, wishing that the Earth would just swallow him whole. 

“Oh, no, no,” the man says, and he smiles like Remus has said the funniest thing he’s ever heard. “My name’s Sirius, like the star, you know?” 

“Right,” Remus says, for lack of anything else to say. They both stand there for a minute, before Remus remembers to introduce himself. Sirius laughs and reaches out to shake Remus’s hand. 

“Sorry I’m such a mess,” he says, pulling Remus in and closing the door. “I’m usually a morning person, but last night was a riot.” 

“Hm,” Remus says. “That doesn’t sound like the kind of thing you experience when you teach yoga.” 

Sirius laughs and shakes his head. “Whatever you’re thinking, it wasn’t that. My meds didn’t work the way they ought to, that’s all.” 

Remus suddenly feels like an arsehole. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t worry, it was a reasonable assumption,” Sirius says. “I should apologize, I’m giving you so many terrible first impressions. James will murder me.” 

“I very much doubt that,” Remus says. 

Sirius laughs again, and sighs. He leads Remus to a place that looks like a living room and a waiting room combined. 

“I’ll find James and he can talk you through this; find out exactly what you need. While you’re waiting, you could fill in the registration forms and things so that we can get you sorted as soon as possible.” Sirius moves quickly, with a grace that is almost fluid, and hands him a six-page long form and a blue ballpoint pen. “I know it seems long, but as an organisation there are certain things we value, you know?” 

Remus nods. “I absolutely understand, it’s not a problem.” 

Remus is still filling in the form when Sirius returns with a slightly taller man who’s wearing cotton clothes and is built like an athlete. He has dark skin and hair that forms a bushy halo of sorts around his head. He gives Remus a bright smile when he sees him. 

“Hi, you must be Remus?” 

Remus nods, recognizing the voice from the phone call when he booked the appointment. 

“I’m James, but you probably already figured that out,” he says. “I remember most of what you told me, but I’d like to see your diagnosis and talk to you to confirm, alright?” 

“That’s fine,” Remus says, opening his bag and handing it over. “I crumpled it a little bit by accident.” 

“At least you didn’t let the dog eat it,” James says nonchalantly, looking through the doctor’s note. 

“ _James_ ,” Sirius hisses. He looks pained. “I thought we agreed to never mention it.” 

“I didn’t mention anything,” James says cheerfully. “Okay, Remus, I’ll ask you more questions after going through your form, but I want to know, did you come here voluntarily?” 

“Mate, I wouldn’t be filling six pages’ worth of forms at some ungodly hour of morning if I didn’t want to come here,” Remus says, before suddenly remembering that he doesn’t know these men and this attitude is hardly appropriate in the given situation.

Sirius snorts, and Remus feels like he can breathe. “Listen, once James and I are done with you, you’ll probably become a morning person.” 

Remus gives Sirius a look that says _Over my dead body._ Sirius smiles at him in a way that’s ambiguous enough to be threatening.

“I know this is probably too heavy a topic to discuss right now,” James says, his voice oddly gentle. Sirius seems to pick up on some cue, and asks Remus how he likes his tea, before walking off to the kitchen with a promise to return with tea for all three of them.

“Cut to the chase,” Remus says, not looking up from the form. He’s nearly done with the fifth page and he’ll be damned if he looks up now.

“From what I’ve read of your medical history, I feel like you’ve undergone some very awful things,” James says. Remus involuntarily takes a sharp breath in. “I want you to know that over here, all of us are geared towards your full recovery, and if there’s ever anything you need from us, don’t hesitate to ask.”

Remus nods, mostly because he doesn’t know what else to do. “Thank you,” he says. 

James makes a quiet humming sound. “There’s one more thing. In this yoga studio, we’ve got a few instructors, and based on each individual’s requirements, we allot a specific instructor to them. You’ve already met Sirius, and I think he’d be best suited to instructing you, if you’re comfortable with that.” 

“That should be fine,” Remus says. “Sirius seems easy to get along with.” 

“If that’s your first impression, he must like you,” James says, smirking, but then his expression sobers. “Jokes aside, Sirius is the sort of person who reciprocates most things. If you’re kind to him, he’ll be kind to you, but if you cross Sirius you’ll regret it.” 

“I feel like you’re that sort of person as well,” Remus says.

Sirius enters with the tea at that very moment, and hands Remus his cup.

“Maybe I am,” James says, taking his tea from Sirius and taking a generous sip. 

“What’s been decided?” Sirius asks, sitting next to Remus on the sofa, facing James. He’s close enough for Remus to be aware of his presence, but not close enough to make him feel uncomfortable, and Remus is grateful for that. 

“You’ll be his instructor,” James says. 

“Oh,” Sirius says. He looks a little sad, and Remus feels something like dread sink to the bottom of his stomach. 

“Is there something wrong?” Remus asks, ensuring that he doesn’t sound passive aggressive.

Sirius blinks, as if suddenly realising something. “No, sorry, I’m glad. I’d love to teach you. It’s just –”

He’s silent for a minute, and then he gives Remus a small and embarrassed looking smile. “James usually gives me people with a lot of trauma. The fact that he assigned you to me...” A lost look comes into Sirius’s eyes. “You deserve better than whatever you’ve been through.” 

“Thank you,” Remus says, touched.

“Padfoot,” James says gently, “go get some rest. You know you don’t have to actually teach today.” 

Remus wonders at the nickname but knows that it isn’t his place to ask.

“Right. Yeah. Should do that.” Sirius smiles at no-one in particular. “See you around, Remus,” he says, and he ruffles James’s hair before he leaves the room.

Remus remembers Sirius telling him about not getting much sleep, and feels relieved that he’s getting rest now at least. He hopes the meds work better next time, and wonders, with a guilty awareness that he’s crossing some boundary, why it’s Sirius who gets assigned high-trauma cases. Remus is aware that he’s supposedly one of the high-trauma individuals, and while he understands the accuracy of this classification, it still stings a little, because he’s always thought that he did decently alright at passing as being okay.

James is studying him with a pensive look. 

“Hey, don’t worry too much about this,” he says. “The only reason we’re talking about mental health at all is because we want you to heal in a holistic way.” 

“It’s mostly my body that’s all stiff and painful,” Remus admits. “I feel like a great-grandfather trapped in a 23 year old’s body.” 

“I understand. We’ll begin exercises very soon,” James says. “The first meeting is usually just negotiation or clarification or whatever you call it. We’ll give you a schedule now, discuss payment and things like that, and then you can go home and do whatever you want to do. Your classes officially start from your next visit here. Also, what you’re describing about your body sounds like it could lead to some sort of mental burnout.” 

Remus hums. “I get it. It’s psychosomatic.” 

James smiles. “Exactly.” 

They talk a little longer, finalising a schedule and the payments. James also tells Remus more about what their organisation stands for and how they aim to help. He runs him through who the staff are, who does what, what other services they can offer him, and other things in the same vein. Usually, this kind of talk feels like generic advertisement to Remus, but James is passionate about what he’s doing and seems to sincerely care about him, however strange that is. Overall, Remus is actually looking forward to the classes when they’re done talking.

He texts Lily as he walks home, something he shouldn’t do ideally, but that he’s perfected the art of doing.

``

** Remus:  ** I’m really glad I went

the yoga instructor I’ve been assigned seems really cute

** Lily:  ** remus omg this is part of your medication don’t get distracted

that said.............................

i expect full details when you get home <3 

** Remus:  ** if you think I’’m going to deny sharing them you knoq me less than you think

*know 

really though,i’m not going to stop talking abt him

he was so cute, lils! kind of punk rocj

*rock

** Lily:  ** your typing is hideous, i know you’re excited but slow down a little

** Remus:  ** i’ll just get home & update you, yeah?

** Lily:  ** u better. ay, buy some milk on the way?

i forgot to do that this morning 

Remus smiles, putting his phone away. Lily has always been horrified by how he texted, saying that he gives her teacher vibes but texts like a little child. Remus thinks this is rich coming from someone who used to top all her classes but texts like she’s being stingy with punctuation. Words with apostrophes suffer the hardest. 

Remus stops to get the milk before heading over to Lily’s. He doesn’t share a flat with her, but they live on the same street, and her place is on his way home anyway.

“Thanks,” she says, accepting the milk at the door, even before she lets him in. Lily’s always been focused and single-minded. “I’ll make you tea?” 

“I’ve already had tea,” Remus says, before thinking it over and saying, “But who am I to turn down more tea? If you’re making some for yourself, make some for me as well, otherwise don’t bother.” 

“Remus, you’re such an old man,” Lily says, laughing a little. They walk into the kitchen together, and Lily begins to make the tea, with occasional help from Remus, who is useless in the kitchen. 

“Spill,” Lily says.

“Are you sure you want me to?” Remus asks in his most innocent voice. “Surely you remember the last time we were cooking.” 

“Haha, Lupin, you’re hilarious,” Lily says drily. “Tell me how it went.” 

“It’s run by James Potter, heard of him? So far he seems like a good person. He’s very considerate and he seemed to genuinely care about me, not just in the context of me as a customer, you know?” Remus notices that Lily’s giving him a strange look.

“Matter of fact, I do know him,” she says. “His school and my school were sort of sister schools, you could say. I didn’t grow up with him, but I do know him from when we were kids. He was sort of arrogant then. Used to keep flirting with me, wouldn’t take a hint. People change though, so if you say he’s changed, I’ll take your word on that.” 

“My yoga instructor’s this bloke called Sirius,” Remus continues. 

Lily’s pouring the tea out now. “Sirius Black?”

“I don’t know,” Remus admits. “He didn’t give me his last name.” 

“Can’t think of who else it would be,” Lily says, handing Remus his cup. “Everyone knows he was James’s best friend, and it’s not exactly like Sirius is a common name.” 

Remus nods. “He was sort of all over the place this morning.” 

Lily frowns, hums and takes a contemplative sip of her tea. “I never really knew Sirius,” she confesses. “I hope he’s alright.” 

“I’m sure he’ll be okay,” Remus says, not wanting to disclose what Sirius had said about his medication. That bit of information didn’t feel like something Remus should tell without knowing that Sirius would be okay with it first. 

“Update me when you’re done with your first class, okay? A girl is curious.” 

Remus smiles and nods. “I have a really good feeling about this, Lils.” 

“I’m glad,” she says, ruffling his hair. Remus thinks back to how Sirius ruffled James’s hair and something tightens in his chest, a feeling similar to déjà vu but also clear anticipation of what the future holds. “Remus John Lupin,” she says, suddenly sincere and serious, “I want you to be happy. I can’t think of anyone who deserves to be happier than you. I mean that.”

Remus feels like he’s being hugged, even though Lily’s standing across him, watching his face. He feels loved, standing here in this kitchen with his best friend. 

“Thank you,” he tells her. “I want to be happy too. Maybe this is when it happens.”

Lily smiles, soft and hopeful. “This better be, or I’ll personally kick destiny’s arse.” 

Remus laughs.

**

They begin classes on a Tuesday.

Remus finds himself there at 10 in the morning. Sirius is there, waiting for him, wearing comfortable clothes and with his hair in a bun as usual.

“Hi,” Sirius says.

“Hello,” Remus says, for lack of a better response. 

“Studio’s this way. You don’t want to practice with the furniture, it’s all too cluttered,” Sirius says, leading Remus out of the sitting room, into a large, well-ventilated empty room. Sirius bends over and spreads out two yoga mats. 

Remus knows that there’s no reason to feel worried, but he feels worried all the same. 

“Before we begin,” Sirius says, “James has probably already given you this talk, but I want you to feel safe with me, so tell me if you ever need me to change something, alright?” 

Remus nods, waiting for Sirius to continue.

“There are a few more things to keep in mind before we start,” he says. “I’ve seen your medical history – I understand that you were in an accident that bruised your back and dislocated some leg bones, and that you’re still getting back into the swing of having a fully functioning body. We’re going to go slow, because if we do too much at once you’ll obviously be overwhelmed, and we don’t want that. I also want you to remember your limits and not push beyond them. If you feel tired, we’ll stop. If something hurts, tell me. Yoga isn’t supposed to hurt.” 

“Okay,” Remus says, feeling a lot more at ease. 

“We’re going to do both asanas and pranayama,” Sirius continues. “That’s physical postures and breathing exercises, in case you didn’t know. But before we begin, I want to know whether you’re interested in knowing about yoga theory?”

“Uh, sure,” Remus says. 

“James is very serious about the cultural aspects,” Sirius says. “By which I mean, here we refer to each and every asana only by its Sanskrit name. No ‘snake pose,’ ‘cat pose,’ ‘bull pose’ kind of nonsense. Alright?” 

Remus nods. “You’re the expert,” he says. 

“Okay then,” Sirius says. “Here we go.” 

**

Two hours later, they’re officially done with their first class. Remus’s body feels strangely at peace in a way he isn’t used to. He also feels more energized than tired, which is unexpected, given that they’ve done physical activities, after all. 

“Thanks,” Remus says sincerely. “That helped a lot.” 

Sirius laughs softly and kindly. “Your well-being is my primary concern, don’t thank me. Do you want some tea?” 

“Thanks, but I should be going,” Remus says. “I’ll take you up on that some other day.” 

Sirius smiles, his face lighting up. “I look forward to it.” 

Remus is just about to leave when James materialises out of nowhere. 

“Everything went well, I take it?” 

Remus nods. “Yeah.”

Sirius is uncharacteristically silent, and then the next thing Remus knows, he’s being handed a phone number, and Sirius is saying, “If there’s anything you need, any clarifications or questions or whatever, or if you need to reschedule class, or something, I don’t know, that’s my number, alright? You can reach me there.”

Remus stares at the slip of paper for a minute before he nods dumbly. 

He manages to thank them both before he walks outside, and the moment he’s caught his bus and paid for the ticket, he takes out his phone and calls Lily.

“It was absolutely brilliant,” he says.

“Go on,” Lily says. “Details.” 

“Sirius is really patient and really cute but also – these stretches really help. My body feels reassembled, but in a good way. Like a well-oiled machine or something.” 

There’s a giggle on the other end. “Rem, that just sounds dirty.” 

Remus scowls, but he’s slightly amused. “Fuck off,” he says, and someone on the bus gives him a dirty look. He goes on talking to Lily, but softer.

“He’s so knowledgeable about the whole thing. We did some basic asanas, you know? Tadasana and Veerabhadrasana and Vajrasana and Bhujangasana and some others that I can’t remember the names of, and we co-ordinated breathing. It was so good. He even explained each asana and all that. Did you know that there are different asanas based off different life-forms and the whole concept is to make you understand and respect other life-forms and empathize with them? That it’s meant to help you see your body as more than just your body, to sort of make it infinite?” 

Lily’s silent for a minute, but when she responds he can hear her smiling. “If I hadn’t researched yoga beforehand, I wouldn’t have been able to keep up,” she confesses. “He’s really passionate about it?” 

“Yeah. I mean, the way he tells it is as if it’s only James’s ambition and passion, but the way he teaches and the way he talks about it,” Remus pauses. “It’s clearly significant to him, too.” 

Lily hums, and he can tell that she’s thinking seriously about something. 

“Keep me updated,” she says. “Are you stopping over now?”

“Maybe later this evening,” Remus says. “I need to buy some meds, and I have to submit the piece I’m editing by tonight, which I can certainly manage, but I need to finish it over the afternoon.”

He knows Lily well enough to visualise her nodding on the other end. “Alright. Take care, yeah?”

“Yeah, you too, Lils.” 

“One of these days I’m going to accompany you there,” she says. “I want to see the boys at work.” 

“That just sounds strange,” Remus says, but he’s smiling. “They’re around our age, aren’t they?” 

“Yes, I think so,” Lily says. “They were in the same year as I was, but I didn’t stay around to chat about birthdays.” 

“Pity,” Remus says without thinking. “I want to get Sirius a birthday gift.” 

“Remus,” Lily says, and she sounds like she’s trying to sound disapproving. “You’ve known him for less than a week.” 

“I feel safe around him already,” Remus admits. “James, too.” 

Lily’s silent for a minute. “That’s really good,” she says eventually. “They must be special.” 

Remus hums in agreement. 

They talk a little more about idle things, such as the game of golf Lily was watching, the weather forecast, a new job that Lily was considering, how Remus’s copy-editing work was going, was the pay good, etcetera, until Remus reaches his stop and says goodbye to her before hanging up.

Usually, buying meds upsets him, but today he thinks of Sirius Black and his soft encouraging smile, and he can’t find it in him to be anything less than happy.

**

They slip into a routine – Remus visits the studio three times a week, and Sirius gradually increases the amount of stretches and breathing exercises they do. Every now and then, James talks to him after classes, but nobody disturbs them when they’re in class. Remus feels closer to Sirius than ever, and sometimes he feels like Sirius feels the same way.

Remus finds his anxiety skyrocketing on a Saturday evening; one that coincides with the full moon. He calls Lily, who is used to this by now, but she doesn’t pick up. Right after denying his call, he gets a text that explains that she’s in the library working on a dissertation, but that if it’s important she can step out and call him back instantly. Remus knows how important this paper is to her, so he tells her he’ll be alright, and then, without really thinking it through, he calls Sirius.

The phone rings three times before Sirius picks up, and his voice on the phone sounds rougher than usual. Remus finds it absurdly attractive. 

“Hey, Remus,” Sirius says easily, though Remus suspects that he can hear concern in his tone. “Everything okay?” 

“Not exactly,” Remus admits. “Are you free?” 

“More or less, yeah,” Sirius says. “What’s wrong?” 

Remus swallows. “Anxiety,” he says. “It usually gets really bad at around this time. Sorry about calling you, I didn’t know who else to call.” 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. We’ll do some breathing exercises, yeah? Those always help. Sit the way we did in the last class, and breathe along with me, alright? I’ll count.”

“Okay,” Remus says, feeling slightly calmer already. “Thank you so much.” 

“You don’t need to thank me. Now, close your eyes and imagine you’re in a forest, that you’re one of those big trees that have existed for ages and ages, extending up to the sky. You’re surrounded by fresh air and small, excited forest animals. You belong here, and nothing can hurt you here. Okay?” 

Remus hums, doing as Sirius says.

“Breathe with me. Breathe in.” He’s silent for a moment, drawing the pauses between each inhale and exhale out. “Breathe out. Breathe in. Think of the creek in the forest. Cold to touch. Breathe out.” 

They go on like this, and after what feels like half an hour to Remus but is probably only five minutes, Sirius asks, “Do you feel better now?” 

“Infinitely,” Remus says. “Thank you. Full moons are always a bit difficult for me.” 

He almost expects Sirius to ask, or to question it, or to make a werewolf joke like Lily did. Instead, Sirius hums. 

“It’s okay to have strange triggers,” Sirius says. “At least you’re aware of them.” 

“No werewolf jokes?” Remus asks.

Sirius laughs softly, and Remus feels warm inside. 

“I’m a professional,” Sirius says, and Remus smiles.

“The thing you did just now,” Remus prompts, not sure how to ask but curious all the same.

“James and I have various meditation scenarios,” Sirius says. “Sometimes you need to calm your mind and your body by distracting them, and then gently bringing them back.” 

“That’s food for thought,” Remus says, and then wants to kick himself for how redundant it is.

Sirius just laughs softly, as if such a statement is valid. 

“I still feel kind of bad about calling,” Remus confesses. 

“Please don’t,” Sirius says. “I know I’m your instructor and all that, but I hope you know that I do genuinely care about you. And I’d like to be friends, if we aren’t already.”

Remus smiles. “That suits me as well, but is it acceptable? I mean, since you’re my instructor?” 

“I’m not your therapist,” Sirius points out. “Becoming your best friend or something more isn’t going to impact how I teach you. Not saying that we should, you know, suddenly become the closest people on the planet or something, not that I’d be opposed but I know friendships don’t work like that –” 

“Don’t worry, I understand,” Remus says, and he does. “That’s good, then. You seem like a good friend to have.” 

“You can call me Padfoot if you want,” Sirius says. “That’s a friends-only privilege.” 

“You have to explain that to me sometime,” Remus says, “and if you want to, you can make werewolf jokes. I know my name lends itself to those, as well as the moon trigger thing.” 

“Some other time, I promise,” Sirius says. “You really don’t mind?” 

“I just gave you permission.” 

“I’m changing your contact name to Moony, then.” 

“How terribly uncreative of you,” Remus says, but he suspects that Sirius can hear the laughter in his voice. 

“Howl from your terrace and think of me,” Sirius says. “I’ve got to go now, James needs help with something. He’s decent enough in the kitchen, but four hands are better than two, aren’t they?” 

“Guess so,” Remus says. “All the best with that. See you soon.” 

“Bye, take care,” Sirius says, and then he hangs up. 

Remus holds the phone to his ear for a few minutes even though he knows that the line’s dead. He’s sure that he’s beaming idiotically, but he can’t find it in himself to care.

**

Being friends with Sirius means exchanging dog pictures and bad puns over text. Sometimes Sirius messages him just to say goodnight or good morning, and Remus thinks that this is worth staying alive for.

It’s almost an elixir at this point, knowing Sirius Black. 

“You’re smitten,” Lily tells him one day, watching him gaze at his phone fondly. He doesn’t even want to think about what his face is doing or what he looks like.

“I know,” he says instead, because he’s past the point of denial now. “One day I’ll bring him here, and you can meet him.” 

Remus texts Sirius on one of his off days, explaining that he won’t be coming to class because he doesn’t have the energy to get out of bed, and Sirius responds by telling him not to worry about it. He tells him that he’s making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it, and one bad day doesn’t negate everything else.

Remus finds himself a surprise friendship with James Potter as well, since it’s apparently impossible to befriend Sirius without befriending James, or vice versa.

Remus stays after class hours on days when they’re not busy. They play Uno and drink tea and talk about ridiculous things, solely for comedic value. Remus gets the feeling that there’s something lurking below the surface – that this is only the tip of the iceberg, but he doesn’t know what to do with the feeling, nor is he sure why he feels like he’s missing something important concerning Sirius. James seems to avoid certain topics, and Sirius is always vague when it comes to his “eventful past.” Remus knows that it’s none of his business, though, and he never asks.

Sirius tells him one day that his family, or at least, his biological parents and aunts and uncles and cousins, for the most part, had been absolutely awful. Remus doesn’t respond, because he doesn’t know what to say, but a lot of things seem to slot into place.

“Jamie and his parents are my family now,” Sirius says, as if expecting Remus to rebut or challenge him.

Remus nods. “I’m glad you have them,” he says. “You deserve to be loved.” 

The look on Sirius’s face is unreadable, but Remus knows he’s said the right thing, because eventually Sirius gives him a soft smile.

**

“You have to be at ease with your body,” Sirius says. They’re attempting to have a yoga session, but this one is going historically badly. It might be because Remus’s mental health has suddenly taken a sharp curve downwards, and while today isn’t a “depressed enough to stay in bed” kind of day, it certainly is a “I hate my body and can’t believe I live within it” kind of day. These kind of days usually have their fair share of dissociation and discomfort, as well as depression and negative feelings. Remus isn’t expecting Sirius to pick up on it, but Sirius is a professional after all, and what’s more, Sirius is _sharp._ He notices things.

“Today’s not a good day,” Remus says, even though he knows that Sirius has worked it out for himself.

“Okay then,” Sirius says. “Do you want to talk it out?” 

Remus shakes his head.

“You’re doing your best,” Sirius says, in the sort of voice someone would use to talk to a frightened animal. “Your body is doing its best. The things that happened to you were _not_ your fault, even if you feel like they are sometimes. You’re keeping yourself alive, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Give yourself some credit, yeah?” 

These kind of speeches never help, but something about the sincerity in Sirius’s voice strikes a chord with Remus. He knows, somehow, that Sirius has been where he is, and that Sirius knows what he’s talking about.

“Do you want to try a small meditation exercise?” Sirius asks.

Remus doesn’t, not really, but he trusts Sirius’s judgement and knowledge and intentions, so he nods.

Sirius gets up and goes to another room, returning with a pebble. 

“Hold this,” Sirius says. “Close your eyes.” 

Remus does. The pebble is smooth to hold, and it fits neatly in the palm of his hand. It feels comfortingly cool.

“Channel all the negative energy. Think all the negative thoughts, but imagine them taking the form of a cloud. Think of them gathering together, and now try and direct the energy into the pebble. Transfer it outwards. Make it leave your body.” 

Remus does this, despite the cynic inside him that says that it sounds like a scam. To his surprise, it actually seems to be helping.

“Where’d you learn that?” he asks Sirius.

Sirius shrugs. “Picked it up from some random lecture on well-being. Strange that it works, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah,” Remus says. 

While Remus was sitting with his eyes closed, doing the meditation activity, Sirius had gotten a wide-mouthed flask full of water, and has left it on the table. Remus opens his eyes, and Sirius takes his hand, gently uncurling his fingers from where he’s gripping the pebble, and guiding his hand to the flask. They drop the pebble into the water in one co-ordinated moment.

“Let that go,” Sirius says. 

Remus lets go of the pebble but does not let go of Sirius’s hand.

“I’ll get you some tea, if you like?” 

Remus shakes his head. “If it’s alright with you, could you stay?” 

Sirius sounds a little surprised. “Sure.” 

Remus rests his head on Sirius’s shoulder, and Sirius doesn’t protest. 

“Sirius,” Remus asks. “I don’t know how to word this right, but how did you get into yoga?” 

Sirius is silent for a long moment, and then he sighs.

“It’s a long story,” he says. “A story of good friends and bad friends, an abusive family, a night when things hit rock bottom, some self-destruction and then, this. It wasn’t just yoga at first, it was many things, but I turned things around pretty well.” 

“You seem well put together,” Remus says, and Sirius laughs softly.

“Mate, you have _no_ idea how long it took for me to get here,” he says. “I used to smoke a fair amount when I was younger, and drink excessively. I had nothing but negative coping mechanisms. My family, well. They were the sort who thought that certain types of people don’t deserve to live, just because of who they are. Bigots, you know, but more than that, they had this inflated sense of self-worth that I learned soon enough was completely unjustified. James helped me get out of this really toxic environment.” Sirius stops for a minute. “I can tell you the whole story later,” he says, softer. “There was a betrayal – a mutual friend of ours, who turned out to be a shit friend, you know how it goes. His name was Peter, and somewhere down the line, he stopped caring about us and tried to cheat James of his wealth and pin it on me, instead.” 

“Yikes,” Remus says, aware of how American the word is, but unsure what else really fits the situation.

Sirius looks amused, so at least there’s that. “Indeed.” 

There’s silence for a minute, and then Sirius says, softer, “We thought he was our friend. It messed us both up a fair amount, I think. James doesn’t like talking about it. I was already going through things at home and with my mental health at the time. This just turned out to be icing on the cake. James got me out of a very negative place, Remus. It wasn’t just the yoga. He made me find positive coping mechanisms. Some of them are dubious, I’ll admit. There’s a cardboard box in the loft upstairs, full of journals I wrote when I was nineteen about how much I hate my mother. I sometimes think I won’t ever be able to stop being angry, but it’s okay because I channel that anger for good things, now. I’m not a therapist or a counsellor, but I know what I do here helps people. I make art journals sometimes, just to get the emotions out. I’ve honestly been such a mess, and James’s well-being intervention grounded me a little. Bit by bit, things got better. I started seeing a therapist and taking meds and all that. Yoga stuck because the theory fascinated me, which sounds strange, I know. I loved the way asanas made me feel, as if my body was something clean that fully belonged to me. I guess I’d missed feeling like that. Pranayama cleared my head pretty quick too. I never try to sell yoga as a miracle cure, but what I do know and believe is that it does aim to bring clarity to the mind, and that was something I’d desperately needed.” 

Remus is aware that he’s staring at Sirius with a look that probably looks dopey at best, but he can’t help it. “That’s a lot,” he says. “You’re so resilient, for taking everything in your stride like that.” 

Sirius smiles a smile that’s almost shy, one that makes his face look subtly radiant. “Thank you, I try.” 

“Sirius?” 

“Mhm?” 

“Why does James call you Padfoot?” 

Sirius smiles, and he’s quiet for a while. Eventually, he says, “There was a night when things got really bad, and James and I got tattoos. I don’t know what exactly his reasoning was, but whatever it was, it worked. I’d wanted a tattoo since forever, but I couldn’t exactly have gotten away with that when I was living with my parents. It symbolized a new life, I think.” Sirius pulls down the neckline of his T-shirt with the hand that isn’t holding Remus’s. Remus stares at the black, dog shaped silhouette that’s inked under Sirius’s left collarbone.

“That’s Padfoot,” Sirius says. He sounds oddly fond. “When I found it hard to take care of myself, James would always remind me to take care of _Padfoot_. After a point, Padfoot just came to symbolize and represent the best parts of me, I think. All the things I want to keep alive.” 

“I think you should keep every part of you alive,” Remus says.

“Moony, weren’t you listening?” Sirius asks, but there’s no heat to it. “I’m an intrinsically angry person.” 

“Anger isn’t always bad,” Remus points out. “Shows you’re engaging with the world. Better than being numb.” 

“That’s a good way to think of it, I suppose,” Sirius says.

Remus hums. “I think you’ve been through things you don’t deserve to have been through, and you’re very entitled to your anger.” 

“Thanks for understanding,” Sirius says softly. 

And Remus knows he doesn’t have to, that he doesn’t owe Sirius or anyone else this, but suddenly he wants to, so he begins to talk his trauma out: the car crash, the stalking, the watchdogs. Fenrir. By the time he’s done, Sirius looks angry, but there’s something else in his expression – something that looks sad and gentle and empathetic. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius says. “If I find that man, I’ll probably break my ahimsa vows.” 

Remus laughs softly. “You and me both. But it doesn’t really change anything. What he did to me isn’t something that can ever be erased.” 

“No,” Sirius agrees, “but you can move forward from it, Remus Lupin.” 

“Did you ever wonder about the full moon being a trigger for me?” Remus asks.

“A little, but it wasn’t my place,” Sirius admits.

Remus does something he’s never done before. He explains the moon thing. It sounds stupid to him even as he says it, but Sirius looks like he understands.

“It’s probably absurd, or – ”

“No, I think it’s understandable,” Sirius says. “You thought the moon was your friend as a child. You got strength from it when you were lonely. And when you needed strength the most, the night everything went wrong, you didn’t have any, and the full moon was just there, mocking you. Never mind that you were older. That was the moment you realised you were helpless, and I think it’s completely valid that you feel the way you do.” 

Remus closes his eyes, and curls up against Sirius, who, after asking Remus for permission, tentatively wraps an arm around him. He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but he wakes up to find that Lily’s there, for some reason, and she’s talking to James. Sirius is still next to him, and he’s reading a magazine on music or something, but his hand is still in Remus’s. 

“You worried me,” Lily says, when she notices he’s awake. “It’s nearly 3, Remus.”

“I didn’t want to wake him up,” Sirius says, and Remus suddenly registers that he’s still leaning against Sirius.

“True, but a man must eat lunch,” James says, and the next thing Remus knows, he’s being offered a steel plate with what looks like a traditional South Indian lunch platter. He eats lunch and daydreams a little, and wonders if he should tell Sirius that he suspects he loves him. It doesn’t feel like a suspicion though, it feels like something confirmed and established. Remus Lupin loves Sirius Black. This is just the universe’s master plan.

It seems too soon for revelations like this, but Remus is still leaning against Sirius, and James and Lily are in the room with them, and it hits Remus that all the important people in his life who are still living are here, with him, and there’s no time like the present. 

“James?” he asks.

“Yes, Remus?” 

“Would I be going against Terms of Service or whatever they’re called if I ended up dating one of your yoga instructors?” 

Sirius makes a startled choking noise.

“No, I don’t think you would,” James says. “Got your eye on someone?” 

“It’s possible,” Remus says, and gives Sirius’s hand a little squeeze.

Sirius eventually squeezes back.

And Remus doesn’t know what’s more surprising, the fact that James and Lily are being civil to each other, or the fact that Sirius offers to walk him back to his place, and Lily lets them go. 

They talk for a while about everything and nothing, neither of them saying _I love you_ , neither of them needing to. 

Sirius still hasn’t let go of Remus’s hand. 

Later, in the solace of the flat, lying in the same bed, Remus whispers, “I feel safe around you, in a way that I don’t feel with most people. I want this to last.” 

Sirius laughs, that soft laugh that Remus thinks he fell in love with. “Me too. I feel like my life was meant to have you in it.” 

“Tell me about Samadhi,” Remus says sleepily, putting his head on Sirius’s chest and listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart.

Sirius gives him an equally tired smile. “Okay,” he says.

They fall asleep together. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed that!!! hmu @ screamingforsirius for quality marauder content (i try, ok)


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